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The State v John
posted by John : January 8, 2012


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Crampons are aid


Prosecution

The facts of the case are simple. The victim had generously slowed his usually blistering pace up Mailbox Peak to accommodate who he thought was his friend. On the summit, the victim had waited in the cold while his "friend" descended the back side of the peak to explore possible future routes. On the descent from the summit, the victim again slowed himself in a gesture of good will. And finally, near the trailhead, the victim was mercilessly thrown down the slope by his "friend" who did little more than laugh. We will show that Mr. Soltys willfully and with malice in his heart attacked the victim and it's only through blind luck the victim's injuries were not severe.

Defense

Bull stink. The "victim" accidentally stepped off the trail, lost his footing, and fell a foot and a half.

Prosecution

We call our first witness, the victim. Please tell us what happened, in your own words.

Victim

I was chatting with John [Prosecutor: The accused?] Yes. I was chatting with John about whether there was another way to come down the mountain that would join the new trail lower down. I was ahead of him and I stopped to look back at the ridge. As I turned I felt John's hands hitting my chest and pushing me down over a cliff. I landed hard in sharp sticks, injuring my knee and ribs.

Defense

Objection! It wasn't a cliff. It was a short step off the trail. Plus he's a pansy.

Judge

Overruled. Plus you suck.

Prosecutor

Have you ever done anything to justify this type of aggression?

Victim

No. I'm a nice guy. Everyone likes me.

Defense

Objection! I don't like you anymore.

Judge

Overruled. One more outburst and you'll be bound and gagged.

Prosecutor

How has the injury affected your life?

Victim

I haven't been able to hike for a week. This has caused me to fall into a deep depression, putting stress on me and my family.

Defense

That is so not true! He went out only two days later! In fact! He pushed me down on that trip!

Judge

That's it. Bailiff, bind and gag the accused.

Defense

MRrshssdfgghs!

Judge

Ssh!

Prosecution

The State rests, your honor.

Judge

Mr. Soltys, you may call your first witness.

Defense

Ngrssdmmh!

Judge

Can you please speak more clearly. I can't understand you.

Defense

GRSHmngg!

Judge

<sigh> Bailiff, please remove the gag.

Defense

<gasp> Thank you. I'd like to call...

Judge

That's it! Bailiff! Gag him again.

Defense

Whagnggg?

Judge

I'll take that as your statement that you rest your case.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Please make your decision. (I think we all know what it should be.)

Foreperson

We find the defendant guilty.

Judge

Thank you for your service.

Mr. Soltys, in light of the victim's injuries including a broken rib, I am ordering you to serve 20 days of community service cleaning the trail on Mailbox Peak. May God have mercy on your soul.

Defense

I was framed!

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